It’s challenging to develop healthy boundaries with people that we love whether they struggle with drugs and alcohol or not. We want the best for people. Many times though we confuse what is best with what is desired. Just because someone wants something doesn’t mean that this is “best.” Striving to love people should never become a detriment to any of our core rights. Once our effort sacrifices our financial, emotional, or physical freedom, or creates the illusion of helping someone when the reality doesn’t help but is only a temporary fix to their issue, this does more damage than it does good. Here are some ways of examining situations to draw healthier boundaries. 

1. Stop making excuses for other people’s behaviors.

It’s easy to want to make excuses for people we love. Facing the reality of problems is hard. Not only does making excuses remove ownership of the issue at hand but it also ignores it all together. A problem cannot be fixed if a reason is given to minimize the situation every time. It is ok to understand that circumstances do not define people but to ignore the problem altogether removes any chance of fixing the problem. Instead, the core of the issue should be addressed honestly and fairly.  If an excuse is made, then the solution that is suggested is now a solution to a different problem than the original. Making excuses doesn’t help anyone, the problem still exists. 

2. Stop putting other people’s needs before your own.

It is possible to offer assistance and support to someone without sacrificing your own needs. You should never have to wonder how you will pay rent to help someone with a loan. Money isn’t the only thing that can be sacrificed. Time is important. If someone is continually interrupting your time with your family or causing you to call off work, this is an issue. Maybe they are asking you to put yourself in danger to help them. It’s never ok to put yourself in any hardship to help someone else. It’s ok to offer assistance, but it’s not ok to sacrifice your well-being. Many times the best way to help someone in these situations is to be there for them emotionally and to help them figure out how to get themselves out of whatever challenge they find themselves. Figuring out a long-term solution is better than a quick fix that sacrifices yours. 

3.  Stop needing to be needed or needing someone to be happy or “ok.”

This is stated merely as codependency and is the core of enabling. Codependency is needing someone else to function. Another way of saying codependency is self-love deficit disorder (SLDD). The reason it can be stated either way is because at the very core of codependency is an inability to find value in one’s self. This is dangerous because people are not perfect and will fail. This can be as obvious as an abusive relationship where the victim stays too long because they feel they don’t deserve any better and that they “need” the other person. Sometimes it’s not as obvious and manifests itself as the person who tries to “help” everyone. This type of person finds their identity in relationships where other people need them. Both examples require someone to be in the position of power and the other to be needy. Once the need is gone, then the relationship isn’t stable. Either way is destructive, and the solution is the same. Learn to love yourself and develop mutually beneficial relationships that are healthy, not need-based.  

Developing healthier boundaries will improve relationships significantly. Not only will your relationships become stronger but helping people will become more effective. Codependency doesn’t help anyone it simply perpetuates the problem and often creates new issues. Loving yourself and loving others at the same time is impossible without boundaries. Making these boundaries clear consistent is vital. Love yourself. Love people. Love life. 

If you or a loved one are struggling with an addiction contact addiction specialist at (606) 638-0938, 24 hours a day seven days a week, or use our private and discrete chat function online at www.addictionrecoverycare.com. 

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