Our 23rd spotlight in the FACES OF HOPE: WE DO RECOVER series will focus on Stacey Hawkins’ story, Breaking the Cycle.
I’m not sure how to cram 27 years of instability and pain into a few paragraphs. I’m also not sure how to cram my victorious story of forgiveness, redemption, peace and the power of Jesus Christ into a short story either. Although this story consists of mainly bad things; the good definitely outweighs any and all negativity. However, I will do my best to elaborate.
My whole entire life, I was always comparing myself, and measuring myself to other people.
My first addictive behavior began when I was just 11 years old. I took a safety pin to my arm and began to nick and cut myself. Little places here and there so that no one could see. Then came an off again, on again love affair with an eating disorder. An eating disorder that would eventually lead me to drug addiction. I was bullied, picked on, and had little self esteem. I grew up in a less fortunate home, and day dreamed of the day when I could afford material possessions.
Aside from self mutilation and bulimia, I developed two other addictions. An addiction to money and attention. When I was 18 I began a 9-year career in the adult entertainment business. Not only did this feed a need for physical approval, but my need to be better than the people who used to bully me. I bought things that I didn’t need to impress people I didn’t like. The mantra of the 21st century. All the while continuing my eating disorder, this time picking up a habit of taking laxatives. I took laxatives everyday twice a day, destroying my intestines.
Even though I was in the business that I was in, I never associated with drug addicts or drunkards. That’s all you hear about in the movies, and in stories. Adult entertainment, and drugs. Usually they go hand in hand. It is the most unlikely, and beautiful people, who do the ugliest of things. I met an athletic, handsome, intelligent, charming, scholar who adored me, and I adored him. He was from a good home, with good parents. I adored him so much, that when he offered me a pain pill, I gladly took it. He was the type of person that I always wanted to be. So, of course I did it. I remember feeling sick. Very, very sick. I began to throw up uncontrollably. Repeatedly for hours and hours. The next day, I was completely satisfied seeing my sunk in stomach. If I did this everyday, I would finally be as thin as I wanted. Not only was I thinner, but I was numb. Numb to the disgusting comments that men would make to me, and the physical pain I was in at work.
One 10 milligram Lortab turned into two, 2 turned into a Percocet 30mg, Percocet 30mg turned into eventually heroin. I was wasting away, and so was he. I even wrecked a Cadillac and spent all of my savings. I saw what I was turning into. So, I illegally used Suboxone to taper myself down. Even with the Suboxone, I still suffered a great deal of withdrawal. Chills, muscle spasms, suicidal thoughts, throwing up, you name it. After a little over a week, it slowly stopped. I felt like myself again. My boyfriend, on the other hand did not. He was still trapped in heroin. I decided that I was going to stay with my family back home not only until he got clean, but until I was strong enough to be in that environment again.
Although I was clean from opiates, I still drank like a sailor and used enough benzos to tranquilize an elephant. But, I wasn’t snorting heroin. So, I was better than the rest of them. I was drinking almost every night. Every other weekend I visited my boyfriend, who had discovered the needle. His once muscular frame, was skin and bones. His beautiful brown eyes were dull. There was no life left in him. I had an intervention with him, and eventually so did his parents. He agreed to go to detox at Recovery Works for 30 days. I didn’t have the heart to leave him. But, my black heart had what it took to cheat on him and hurt him. All the while he was getting better for himself, his parents, and me. I was out partying every night, knowing he had no idea where I was or what I was doing. I took advantage of him, which would eventually lead me down a path of destruction. Once he was out of treatment, he tried to reconcile what we had worked on destroying. He sounded like the man I fell in love with again. Everything felt perfect again. I told him if he kept talking the way he was talking, I’d marry him in a heartbeat. We made plans. Even though I was back home, we still talked everyday. If I was scared, I called him. If I was bored, I called him.
I began to get verbally harassed one day outside of a gas station so, I called him. There was no answer. I called him repeatedly on my way to work, but there was no answer. I called him after work. But, still no answer. My best friend convinced me to go to lunch with her to take my mind off of him. An hour into day drinking I get a call from a number that I didn’t have saved. It was from his best friend. His best friend had informed me that he had overdosed, and passed away. I screamed, I cried, and I jumped in my car to drive to his apartment in disbelief. Once I got to his apartment, I unlocked his door and walked in. I still didn’t believe it. I was devastated. I laid in his bed, screamed, threw things and cried. The only thing that got me out of his bed was the fact that I was able to get Xanax to help numb the pain.
His memorial was a blur, as well as the following years to come. I was a tornado of crying destruction. From that moment on, if you saw me, I was crying or obliterated drunk. This was the start of my slow downward path to rock bottom. I turned into a serial dater to try and make up for the hurt that I caused my ex. The more I endured pain, the more I felt better about doing what I did to him. I felt that I deserved to be treated badly.
Several failed boyfriends, a few thousand drinks, and a couple of years later I met someone who was just as troubled as me. Our entire relationship was just as troubled and as destructive as we were. When I met him, he told me that he didn’t like to drink. I thought to myself “great!” It turned out that he liked to do drugs instead. This relationship was seemingly doomed from the very start. This relationship helped me further my journey down my path to rock bottom. Fast forward a couple of destructive years. We are still partying, and being reckless. Breaking up, making up and hurting each other. I obtained a DUI arrest, and a massive amount of debt. I lost friends, my looks, my self esteem, and my family. When will this vicious cycle break course?
It was June, 3rd 2016, I was at work, like I usually did on the weekend. After work I called my boyfriend, to my surprise he didn’t answer. Nor did he answer the entire drive home. Once I arrived to our apartment, I stepped into what resembled a crime scene. I frantically looked through the apartment for him. I began to start calling numbers, looking for him. I called the nearest hospital, and sure enough he was there.
My heart began to race as I ran to my car. I pulled up to the hospital and ran inside. I saw his parents standing outside of a room, but they stopped me before I could enter. They informed me that he drank himself silly, and tried to kill himself by taking a bottle of antidepressants. He aspirated, and that was the only thing that saved him from dying. I was also informed that he was going to enter treatment. If I wanted to be a part of his life, I would too. At the time, I didn’t think I had a problem. Even though, I had snorted a Suboxone strip, drank excessively and could have made Tony Montana jealous with the amount of cocaine I did the night before. I agreed to go anyways. However, it was for the wrong reasons. I only went to please my boyfriend.
On June,14th 2016 I entered Karen’s Place. The day that would change my life forever. Upon entering, you’re thoroughly body checked. During the search, the woman conducting it said “You might have to take your hair extensions out.” That was the only moment that I had ever contemplated leaving. They led me into the house, and up the stairs where a beautiful brunette woman was singing. She had a heavenly voice. In that moment, I immediately felt the presence of something supernatural. Something happy, and almost spooky. There is no way to not feel God when you are at Karen’s Place. Needless to say, that it wasn’t very long before I realized that I needed to be there. I may have entered treatment for the wrong reasons, but I was staying for the right ones.
On June 17, I dedicated my life to God. I was not aware until recently, but my boyfriend and I were saved on the same date. While in treatment, I found the parts of myself that I lost. Lost the parts I could do without, I also picked up new and improved parts. I made new friends, and realized how likeable I was. I was funny, and smart. I completely forgot both of those qualities about myself.
A month later my boyfriend asked me to marry him during an out visit. Two weeks later we were baptized together. God is mysterious, and has a funny way of working things out. I started interning for Karen’s Place, and while doing so I was also enrolled in the Peer Support Academy at Sullivan University. I never envisioned that I would be anything other than a stripper and a lost cause. I thought that my eating disorder was going to always be a part of my life. I am 150 pounds of deliverance from that. Needless to say, I never thought I’d be an engaged woman of God, who is dedicating their life to helping others, while in school to further do so.
It is nearly February of 2017. I have been clean for almost 8 months. I retired the platform stilettos and scantily clad clothing. I am saved, baptized, and married. I am almost a licensed Peer Support Specialist and I will be starting Midway college for Psychology in the fall. I am still interning for Karen’s Place, and it is my life’s mission to save those in trapped in the Hell that is addiction.
If you or someone you love is suffering from addiction, do not hesitate to get help. We need to make drug addiction another finished phase in history. We need to be walking miracles, and broken statistics. Please join me in breaking these vicious cycles.
Describe your Aha moment:
I was very sacriligious. I thought Christianity meant you were weak and unintelligent. But, I was in a faith based treatment facility. In a place like that, God can talk to you whether you want him to or not, and he did. He spoke to me while I was meditating, unable to get to sleep. He said to me “Look what you have done to your life while you were in control. Let me in control, what do you have left to lose?” My answer was “Nothing.” At that point I literally had nothing left to lose. I had lost complete control over my life. I was in treatment, depending on people to provide shelter for me, tell me when to eat and sleep. I am no longer in control, so I will give the rest to God.” The moment that I decided to hand my life over to the Lord was when everything started looking up for me. Even if my life doesn’t look perfect from the outside looking in, I am happy. Unconditionally happy, and I am finally unconditionally loved.
Describe the feelings and emotions during active addiction:
I went through that same motions and made the same moves as a person who was living, But, I was dead. I was existing, but I was not alive. At that time, I felt numb. But, what I see now was sadness. I was such a depressive lost soul. Every day was me fumbling around to find my way, and not wanting to be alive. Every time I woke up, I was upset. It was a struggle for me to get up and take care of myself. Doing normal things was so hard for me, because I hated being alive so much. I feel very sorry for that person now. Reflecting back on that time, is a lot like watching a very very sad movie.
What is the driving force that keeps you going when times get tough?
Love. Love from God. Love from the women I work with at Karen’s Place. Love from the ladies I met in treatment. Love from my family. Love from my fiancé and his son. Love from my supporters. Just love. That’s all I put out, and that’s all that comes in. Love is such a blessing, and it is all around us. Even when my life was at its darkest, I still had it. Realizing how loved I am was a huge eye opener, and it’s the number one thing that keeps me going.
If you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, please call Addiction Recovery Care at 606.638.0938 or visit them on the web at www.arccenters.com.
There is hope. There is help.
