Our 42nd spotlight in the FACES OF HOPE: WE DO RECOVER series will focus on Brandon Fields story “When You Feel Like You Don’t Quite Measure Up”.
I want to start by making this statement – Isolation lead me to drugs and alcohol, but alcohol and drugs lead me right back into isolation. To most, this will make absolute sense, but for those that don’t quite understand… I will go into further detail.
Some addicts have what they feel is a justification for their use – whether it be a bad home life, poverty, or a trauma that has truly set them into the spiral of their addiction. My story is quite different. I grew up in a loving home that was very much in the political eye. I was the grandchild of a man that had served his county for over 20 years as Sheriff and County Judge, a son to a hard working man that spent a lot of his time working in the mines of Eastern KY who broke his back to make a living, as well as a son to a mother who continuosly played both roles in my fathers absence. She also worked for the school systems in order to ensure a better life for her children.
During my youth, a lot of time was spent with my family working on various projects. It was our time to come together as a family and accomplish what needed done around home. My father and Papaw taught me early on what they thought it was to be a man; men don’t cry or show emotion. My work was often critiqued, and though they would often say it was good, it was never good enough in a house that demanded what I thought at the time was perfection. Everything we did was held to a higher standard. Though they did this in a loving manner, it was often joked about that I couldn’t do anything right. This in a lot of ways made me feel I would never measure up to their expectations.
This feeling of inadequacy often followed me into the later parts of my high school experience where I was a three sport athlete. I was good at a lot of things, but never quite great at anything. I always made the team for anything I set my mind to, but always had to earn my spot in a town that had a lot of talented kids and various State-Championships to uphold. It became evident to me at one point that since my family couldn’t be at my games, that I often looked for approval and love through my friendships with others and their families, since they were the people that were there to cheer me on, give me a ride home, or tell me good job.
Later, this feeling of inadequacy started to manifest in a different side. I often used overcompensation as a defensive mechanism to try to make others believe that I was more than enough. I was going to make sure everyone knew that I was more than enough, even though I always felt like something was missing inside. Some viewed this as me being arrogant, cocky, or full of myself. In life we tend to wear many masks, but underneath the mask was just a kid that wanted to belong. I often told myself that if I could just find one person in this life to love me, whether it be a family member, friend or significant other, that everything would be alright.
I was raised in church and knew of God and his love. However, I viewed him as a judge sitting high on a eternal throne waiving a gavel at every little action, confirming my eternal damnation. I decided to become baptized at a young age, even though I didn’t quite know what it truly meant. I worried more about how people would view me, and I often worried more about the acceptence of the crowds rather than following and seeking our Father’s favor. This lead to a double life that many couldn’t imagine.
My first introduction to drugs occurred in the locker room at school during a warmup before a game. Two friends and I decided to try drugs because we were told it would make us play better and jump higher, give us more energy, and we would last longer on the court than we could even imagine. I first vomited, but after that I knew I was hooked on two levels. Drugs not only gave me courage, but it gave me what I thought was the ability to play better at what I thought was the top of my game. It also gave me an overall sense of calmness. It made me feel like everything was alright, and that I didn’t have a care in the world. I felt as if everyone liked me more when I was high. I could talk to complete strangers with ease and was confident in all I did. I associated this use to my co-dependant nature telling myself that this was a brotherhood that was unspoken. I associated this use as more than what it truly was in that I would only do this around people closest to me, and that our images, lives, and reputations would never be shattered from it. I truly felt like I had found that missing void in my life and that with this new found freedom, all would be well.
This path and double life took me on a sick and twisted adventure that I still can’t fathom to this day: 16 years of drug use, multiple years in jail, countless detoxes, psych wards, in house treatment facilities, and homelessness. I lost many great jobs and housing due to my use. I had to move back in with family or stay with friends. I stole from loved ones and constantly hurt the people closest to me in some of the most acts of cowardness I can even begin to describe. It’s true when we say the people we hurt the most are the ones that are closest to us. I use to often say “I live for the moments I can’t remember, and friends I’ll never forget”. That all drifted away as I slowly became nonexistent. I started to isolate myself more and more not wanting to share what I had with anyone in fear they would ask for something, and that with those type of people we associate with as “Fair Weather Friends,” are only around for the good times not the bad.
Describe your AHA moment
I was lying in my grandmother’s bathroom, after being kicked out of my apartment, with a syringe next to me. I had been sick for days, and I finally was getting my fix. I thought to myself “There has to be more to life this this?” I was on the run from the cops, facing charges that would have landed me multiple years in jail. I felt like there was nowhere else to run or nowhere else to turn. That’s when I made the call to a friend who told me about Addiction Recovery Care.
Describe the feelings and emotions while in active addiction
Active addiction is like being trapped in a still frame. You see everyone else around you moving away, growing up, starting a family with the person they love, getting great jobs and completing their degrees. They are achieving their wildest dreams, and you wonder why you can’t have all of that. You are more focused on when and where you’re going to get your next fix, who got busted last week in the paper, and how you can plot and scheme to get what you want off those closest to you.
What is the driving force that keeps you going when times get tough?
The thing that drives me the most and makes me want Recovery so bad is simply because a lot of people said I couldn’t have it. I burned a lot of bridges in my many attempts at this, and I had a lot of doubters that had every right to give up. For the people that stood beside me in my corner unconditionally every inch is a mile, and it got me to where I’m at now.
What obstacles or roadblocks have you encountered along your recovery journey?
Being humbled that I can’t do this alone, but through Christ and because of these steps I am continually making it through. I have seen court cases get dismissed, loss of loved one’s that their last wish was to see me sober be fulfilled, found amazing work and come back for everything they said I could not have in this life. If you are willing to meet God halfway all these things are possible.
What is something you want people who have never struggled with addiction to know?
That you should hate the disease, not the person behind it. There is good in all of us. God originally made us all good, even though we all fall short at the end of the day in some fashion.
What advice do you have for the family members of a person in active addiction?
If you have someone you love struggling with this affliction we know as addiction make the call to Addiction Recovery Care. The people truly care and truly understand what you are going through.
Closing thoughts
When you feel like you don’t quite measure up, remind yourself if you think you are not good enough, that you were good enough for God. God does not make junk.
If you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, please call Addiction Recovery Care at 606.638.0938 or visit them on the web at www.arccenters.com.
There is hope. There is help.
