Stolen Dreams
I remember as a young child, I was full of dreams and aspirations. My mind would constantly wander. I would daydream about helping other people, being a nurse, a marine biologist, or a famous writer. There was never a dream too big. I was so full of hope. I excelled in school. I was sure that I had a beautiful life ahead of me and all my dreams were within my reach. Yet, there was always something different about me. Something that I could not express in words, and something that made me feel as if I was never good enough. I was very self-conscious and social anxiety plagued me. Around the age of 13, I started to experiment with alcohol and other drugs. At first it seemed harmless and I suffered no consequences. In high school I was in a car accident and prescribed pain medicine. Then my life became something I did not recognize. The pain pills evolved into even stronger forms of opiates. I used other drugs, but the opiates seemed to be my true master. All my hopes of achieving my dreams were put aside. I began failing classes and dropped out of college. Nothing was as important as the drugs. My life then became a vicious cycle of using, breaking hearts, misery, and getting arrested. Along the way God blessed me with two beautiful children, and I was unable to be the mother that they deserved. Finally, in 2010 I received two felony charges and I went to prison. My life was at its lowest point. I had hurt all the people that I loved and was alone with nothing but my thoughts. When it was time for me to receive parole, I was sent to a recovery center in Louisville. To say I struggled, was an understatement. I was so angry. I had lost custody of my children and had not seen them in close to two years. I was so far away from home, and missed my family immensely. I thought if there was a God, then he had given up on me. I relapsed once more, and went back to jail. Luckily, I was able to come back to the facility and try one last time. The day I came back I went outside, kneeled and began to pray. After that day, things got so much better. My sobriety date is July 1st 2012. I have had the privilege of working in the recovery field for 3 years. I am a temporary registered peer support specialist and will be graduating with two associate degrees next month. My goal is to earn a master’s degree in Social Work. I am still working on the relationship that I have with my children. They live with their grandparents and I am fortunate that God placed people in my life that have taken such good care of my children. I get to see them, and my oldest son gets to visit me in Louisville. These are blessings that I do not deserve. I have beautiful relationships with my family. I finally love myself and I am capable of loving others. My life means so much to me. Recovery is the best gift that I have ever received. My purpose is to help others on their path to sobriety. The dreams that were stolen by my addiction, have now been returned.
Describe your ‘aha’ moment
My ‘aha’ moment happened on the day that I laid in jail the last time. There were no more bunks so I laid on the floor with a torn blanket. I had been to jail so many times, but this was different. I knew in that moment that I wanted more. This is not the life that I wanted to live. I had to do something different.
Describe the feelings and emotions while in active addiction.
In active addiction I felt nothing but misery and pain. Every day was the same horrible nightmare and I thought I was hopeless. I was sure I would die that way.
What is the driving force that keeps you going when times get tough?
I just want to be that person that God intended me to be. I don’t strive to be perfect. I just try every day to be a better friend, sister, employee, aunt, and overall better person than I was the day before.
What obstacles or roadblocks have you encountered along your recovery journey?
Having faith, even when I am full of fear. My fear used to paralyze me. Now I try to be courageous and trust God’s plan for me.
What is something that you want people who have never struggled with addiction to know?
Addiction is not a moral issue. Addicts are not bad people. They make mistakes and bad discussions, but they are sick. They can get better.
What advice do you have for family members of a person in active addiction?
Take care of yourself. While seeking help for the addict, also seek help for yourself. It is a discouraging disease, but God can do anything. Never give up and always pray.
Closing thoughts?
There is always hope. Even during the darkest hours, just remember that dawn will come. Never give up. We do recover.
If you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, please call Addiction Recovery Care at 606.638.0938 or visit them on the web at www.arccenters.com.
There is hope. There is help.
